I am experiencing a great deal of anxiety about my upcoming move to a new school on the opposite coast. This is my dream school, and I could not be happier or more excited to begin my studies there in the fall. I anticipate meeting many new people, and am immensely looking forward to immersing myself in the community.
However.
Recently, I have been struck by wave after wave of doubt and fear. Will people like me? Will I make any friends? Will they all think I am weird? Will the professors think I am dumb? Will I say stupid things the first day? Week? Month? Ever? And then my brain goes wild with speculation, imagining that everyone will be in a big, happy group of friends, fun, and academic success, and I will be left on the outside looking in.
Then I discovered the name of my academic advisor, and it is someone I have never heard of, who from what I can tell has nothing to do with my anticipated area of focus. I would not be quite so worried if I was not banking on having an experienced guide in this area, as I plan to do a Ph.D. and will certainly need someone of expertise to guide me through course selection, etc.
Well, I am sure I will say stupid things from time to time, though hopefully not too often. And I am sure not everyone will like me. Maybe I will not have very many friends, after all. Or maybe I will. Who knows?
Times like these make me even more keenly aware of my brain's tendency to spin around in circles like a hyper dog in a small backyard. Logic and reasoning do not seem to help much. I can tell myself ad nauseum that all I have to do is be myself and do all the things I did as an undergrad at USF, and I will be fine. Everything will work itself out; maybe not exactly how I would have planned it, but everything will work out according to God's plan, and I will be fine. But no matter how many times I repeat that like a mantra, there is a knot of fear that refuses to melt.
But then I force myself -- because sometimes it does require forcing -- to sit in silent contemplation. Resting in God, in silence. And the knot melts, and I can rest in relief. There is an enormous qualitative difference between trying to convince myself logically, and simply resting in God. Not actively praying for anything, just resting. Just sitting. Just being.
Relief in God.
I can take proactive steps, too. For example, contacting an admissions director and asking about my advisor, expressing my concerns. But for now, tonight, I will simply rest in God.
Amen.
Monica
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Monday, May 17, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Discernment
After taking my first of four final exams, I figured I deserved a bit of a break from studying. I reclined on the couch and read a few chapters in Kathleen Norris' The Cloister Walk, which had its usual effect of making me want to be a Benedictine nun.
I have been pondering becoming a nun for a few months now; not specifically Benedictine, but definitely entertaining the general idea of entering religious life. If someone had asked me even a year ago if I thought I would even want to become a nun, much less think seriously about doing so, I would have laughed them off and said, "Heck, no!" I wanted freedom, and independence, and spontaneity; and I imagined the life of a nun as confined, hemmed in, and subservient.
For the last few years, I have been trying to live with an ear toward God's will for me. The operative word, of course, is "trying" -- to varying degrees of success. I am far from perfect. Very, very, very far from perfect. Sometimes I look on my actions, both past and present, and think if God was not reserving judgment until my death, I would be smited where I stand, especially while kneeling in the pews. Who am I, such a painfully flawed human being, to say that I strive to do God's will? The chasm between my actions and God's will seems infinite. Yet in my glaring frailties, in the depths of my shame, I find God's love. When Jesus died, he descended into the deepest realms of existence -- past sin, past shame, past even death. And He brought us, those of us existing in the deepest throes of sin and despair, to God with Him.
I have a bit of a problem with the theology that says no matter what I do, God loves me. That seems to somehow cheapen God's love. This is where it gets tricky, because I do not believe we must do anything to deserve or receive God's love; and I do believe He loves us all, and that His love is unconditional. So, yes, in that sense I do believe God loves me no matter what I do. But I also believe God's love is manifested in His wanting the best for me, and that I will not encounter what is best while turning away from Him. God loves me regardless, but this does not mean He always approves of or likes what I am doing. Apologizing is meaningless unless my actions change. No good will come if I mistreat people when convenient, then suffer pangs of remorse and confess my sins later -- unless I actually cease mistreating people, and cease mistreating myself. While I will always be a child of God, I will never be in true communion with Him until I consent to His guidance and to his love. God is always there, waiting for me -- but I must take the final steps.
Lately, it seems as though those final steps have been leading me closer to religious life. Through conversations with friends and mentors, I have acquired more tolerance and appreciation for patience. As Teilhard de Chardin wrote,
"We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of progress
that it is made by passing through
some states of instability ---
and that it may take a very long time."
Full text of his prayer for Patient Trust here.
With this in mind, I know I need to allow myself ample time for discernment, to sit with my thoughts and emotions. There are many paths that could lead me toward a life of devotion, not all of which require becoming part of a religious community. Yet even while I remind myself to wait patiently -- or impatiently, as the case may be -- I search out information about religious orders in an attempt to get a sense for what is available, and what sorts of orders exist.
As an aside, there is, of course, part of me that dreams of glory and of starting my own religious order. That would not be inherently bad, but for the moment my motivation is purely self-serving grandiosity; so I gently place those thoughts to the side.
This evening, I found information about the Sisters of St. Joseph of Cluny (more information here), and am blown away by their mission and spirituality. Because any description of the order's appeal to me would deserve more care than I can take at the moment, given my falling eyelids and desire for sleep, I will save my affirmations for a later date. For now, suffice to say they have what I want.
Striving to do God's will,
Monica
I have been pondering becoming a nun for a few months now; not specifically Benedictine, but definitely entertaining the general idea of entering religious life. If someone had asked me even a year ago if I thought I would even want to become a nun, much less think seriously about doing so, I would have laughed them off and said, "Heck, no!" I wanted freedom, and independence, and spontaneity; and I imagined the life of a nun as confined, hemmed in, and subservient.
For the last few years, I have been trying to live with an ear toward God's will for me. The operative word, of course, is "trying" -- to varying degrees of success. I am far from perfect. Very, very, very far from perfect. Sometimes I look on my actions, both past and present, and think if God was not reserving judgment until my death, I would be smited where I stand, especially while kneeling in the pews. Who am I, such a painfully flawed human being, to say that I strive to do God's will? The chasm between my actions and God's will seems infinite. Yet in my glaring frailties, in the depths of my shame, I find God's love. When Jesus died, he descended into the deepest realms of existence -- past sin, past shame, past even death. And He brought us, those of us existing in the deepest throes of sin and despair, to God with Him.
I have a bit of a problem with the theology that says no matter what I do, God loves me. That seems to somehow cheapen God's love. This is where it gets tricky, because I do not believe we must do anything to deserve or receive God's love; and I do believe He loves us all, and that His love is unconditional. So, yes, in that sense I do believe God loves me no matter what I do. But I also believe God's love is manifested in His wanting the best for me, and that I will not encounter what is best while turning away from Him. God loves me regardless, but this does not mean He always approves of or likes what I am doing. Apologizing is meaningless unless my actions change. No good will come if I mistreat people when convenient, then suffer pangs of remorse and confess my sins later -- unless I actually cease mistreating people, and cease mistreating myself. While I will always be a child of God, I will never be in true communion with Him until I consent to His guidance and to his love. God is always there, waiting for me -- but I must take the final steps.
Lately, it seems as though those final steps have been leading me closer to religious life. Through conversations with friends and mentors, I have acquired more tolerance and appreciation for patience. As Teilhard de Chardin wrote,
"We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of progress
that it is made by passing through
some states of instability ---
and that it may take a very long time."
Full text of his prayer for Patient Trust here.
With this in mind, I know I need to allow myself ample time for discernment, to sit with my thoughts and emotions. There are many paths that could lead me toward a life of devotion, not all of which require becoming part of a religious community. Yet even while I remind myself to wait patiently -- or impatiently, as the case may be -- I search out information about religious orders in an attempt to get a sense for what is available, and what sorts of orders exist.
As an aside, there is, of course, part of me that dreams of glory and of starting my own religious order. That would not be inherently bad, but for the moment my motivation is purely self-serving grandiosity; so I gently place those thoughts to the side.
This evening, I found information about the Sisters of St. Joseph of Cluny (more information here), and am blown away by their mission and spirituality. Because any description of the order's appeal to me would deserve more care than I can take at the moment, given my falling eyelids and desire for sleep, I will save my affirmations for a later date. For now, suffice to say they have what I want.
Striving to do God's will,
Monica
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Validation
I went to a dance competition a few nights ago, to meet up with an old friend and watch him perform. Not being particularly interested in dance, I was mainly interested in getting to hang out with him before he left town the next day. Much to my surprise, not only did I enjoy watching his performance, I loved all the dancing! It was ridiculously entertaining and inspiring.
Shortly after I arrived, feeling a sense of delighted surprise that I was really enjoying watching something new, IT happened. By "it," I mean a feeling I get much too frequently -- the nearly-automatic urge to transcribe my experience into a snappy, hip, humorous Facebook status update!
I whipped out my phone and pressed the "Facebook" button. Then, I paused. 'Why am I doing this?' I asked. And I realized while I always thought of this habit as stemming from a desire to let my friends and acquaintances know what I am up to, it is really just a way for me to seek their validation. 'Am I cool enough? Important enough for them to notice? Am I doing things that other people care about? Are people going to pay attention to me? Will they comment?'
I realized that my insecurities did not, in fact, fade away at some point in the last few years. Though I know myself well enough and am sufficiently comfortable in my own skin that I no longer feel a need to pretend to be someone I am not, there is still a significant part of me that wants attention and accolades. I had a thought once, mostly joking but with a kernel of truth, that nothing is real until it is on Facebook. Until people know about it, until I have shared it with the world, does it really matter?
Well, of course unshared events matter. And I posit that unshared events matter more than those thrust out for public consumption. We -- okay, at least I -- tend to share things that portray me in a positive light: intelligent, philosophical, funny...even self-deprecating stories put forth the image I want to portray to the world. I am far less likely to share events, feelings, and actions that cast me in a more negative light. But in reality, we are most human in our brokenness. Humans are not perfect, and any attempt to portray ourselves as such lends a sheen of inauthenticity. I am not advocating for myself or anyone else to "let it all hang out," so to speak; I think society needs people to wear masks to function smoothly. The problem arises when we are no longer able to remove our masks and be fully authentic.
Will I stop posting Facebook status updates? No. But will I be more aware of times when I am truly just seeking attention and validation? Yes. The more I seek validation from others, the less concerned and aware I am of my interior life. Conversely, when I am God-centered and focused on making myself righteous in His eyes, my need for outside validation decreases.
Shortly after I arrived, feeling a sense of delighted surprise that I was really enjoying watching something new, IT happened. By "it," I mean a feeling I get much too frequently -- the nearly-automatic urge to transcribe my experience into a snappy, hip, humorous Facebook status update!
I whipped out my phone and pressed the "Facebook" button. Then, I paused. 'Why am I doing this?' I asked. And I realized while I always thought of this habit as stemming from a desire to let my friends and acquaintances know what I am up to, it is really just a way for me to seek their validation. 'Am I cool enough? Important enough for them to notice? Am I doing things that other people care about? Are people going to pay attention to me? Will they comment?'
I realized that my insecurities did not, in fact, fade away at some point in the last few years. Though I know myself well enough and am sufficiently comfortable in my own skin that I no longer feel a need to pretend to be someone I am not, there is still a significant part of me that wants attention and accolades. I had a thought once, mostly joking but with a kernel of truth, that nothing is real until it is on Facebook. Until people know about it, until I have shared it with the world, does it really matter?
Well, of course unshared events matter. And I posit that unshared events matter more than those thrust out for public consumption. We -- okay, at least I -- tend to share things that portray me in a positive light: intelligent, philosophical, funny...even self-deprecating stories put forth the image I want to portray to the world. I am far less likely to share events, feelings, and actions that cast me in a more negative light. But in reality, we are most human in our brokenness. Humans are not perfect, and any attempt to portray ourselves as such lends a sheen of inauthenticity. I am not advocating for myself or anyone else to "let it all hang out," so to speak; I think society needs people to wear masks to function smoothly. The problem arises when we are no longer able to remove our masks and be fully authentic.
Will I stop posting Facebook status updates? No. But will I be more aware of times when I am truly just seeking attention and validation? Yes. The more I seek validation from others, the less concerned and aware I am of my interior life. Conversely, when I am God-centered and focused on making myself righteous in His eyes, my need for outside validation decreases.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)